Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence is defined as:
A "pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another in order to dominate and get their way." Abuse is a behavior that compels someone to behave in ways that they do not freely choose, which arouses fear and is emotionally or physically harmful.
From When Love Goes Wrong, by Ann Jones and Susan Schecter
Domestic Violence is a Social Problem
One of the commonly held assumptions about domestic violence is that it is a problem within individual men, women, and families and should be addressed as such. The Brewster Center adheres to the philosophy that domestic violence is not an individual problem. Many victims and survivors are women and many abusers are men. Domestic violence is often a manifestation of the oppression known as sexism. In other words, men who abuse women, do so out of sense of male entitlement and masculine social conditioning in order to gain power and control over their partners. Sexism is interrelated to all other forms of oppression including racism, classism, and heterosexism/homophobia. Domestic violence is not an individual problem but rather a social problem. Therefore The Brewster Center is not just a social service organizations it is also a social change organization.
It's about Power and Control
Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviors that one person exercises over another within a relationship in order to dominate and gain power, and to control. The types of abuse used to maintain power and control include coercion, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, exploitation of children, economic abuse, entitlement, and sexual and physical assault.
Domestic Violence is not an anger management problem. Abusers are experts
at managing their anger in order to intimidate and control their partners.
Domestic violence
is not caused by substance abuse or alcohol abuse. There are many people
who are addicted to drugs and alcohol who do not engage in abusive behavior
towards their partner.
Domestic violence
is not a relationship problem. This implies there is something wrong with
the behavior of both partners. There are many "bad" relationships
where there is no domestic violence. The partner who is using tactics
to control the other partner is the only one responsible for the abuse.
Why do victims stay?
This is the
most commonly asked question of domestic violence victims and survivors.
The reasons that victims stay in abusive relationship are numerous.
By leaving victims
may lose economic security and face poverty and homelessness.
Their family,
friends, or church group may admonish and even disown her for her decision
to leave.
Their children
may be taken from them.
Abusive partners
may promise to go to counseling, change their ways, and never hurt their
partner’s again.
Victims may face
greater injury and even death at the hands of their partner when they
try to leave.
The danger faced by a victim usually increases significantly when they decide to leave. Victims leave their partners an average of 7-10 times before they are able to separate permanently. Some victims are stalked by their ex-partners for years
Instead of asking “Why do victims stay?” we should be asking “Why are their partner’s being abusive?” and “Why are we letting them get away with it?”
It’s not the Victim’s Fault
Domestic violence is never caused by actions on the part of a victim. There is nothing a victim can do that would justify being threatened, intimidated or physically assaulted. While it is often tempting to try and find some way to lay the responsibility at their feet, it is important that we reject that temptation and hold abusers fully accountable for their actions.
What to do
if someone you know is in an abusive relationship:
Tell them that
the abuse is not their fault.
Tell them that
they don't deserve the abuse.
Believe them,
and let them know that you do.
Don't spread
gossip. It could put them in danger.
Don't blame them
for the abuse or their decisions.
Let them make
their own decisions about what to do.
Offer to help
in any way that you are comfortable. Do not make promises you won't or
can't keep.
Give them the
number to a local crisis line. Offer to help them make the call to discuss
their situation with an advocate.
Listen.